Hayden Berish (born beyond reproach, until now) is a soon to be former rugby union player who's about to be fired from the club unfortunate enough to have employed him since the age of 16. His New Zealand debut lasted a breathtaking 61 minutes and ended with him shitting the bed in front of 82 thousand fans at Twickenham, hungover and having just broken his roommate's nose.[1]
Early life
Clearly a fucking mess. Born to a trucker and a wannabe painter, raised by a single mother since the age of 10, he coulda shoulda woulda been the best thing to ever happen to the Kiwi backline if his chronic only child syndrome hadn't destroyed his frontal lobe.[2]
Career
Too much, too soon. Picked as Gale Force's halfback aged 16, he never got over his inability to not be the centre of attention and was their top try scorer four years running. In November, Berish was picked on the New Zealand squad for the Autumn Nations tour of the UK, France and Ireland, but got obliterated on alcohol and sleeping pills with two teammates the night before his debut. After breaking Christchurch lock Wiremu Hawthorne's nose, he went on to lose New Zealand the match against England.
Personal life
Where to begin? Half a million followers on Instagram alone, where he is famous for gym selfies, guillotine-sharp jawlines and Gen-Z brain rot. He was on track to become New Zealand's most recognisable sportsperson both on and off the pitch, but will now likely follow in the footsteps of his father, whom he hasn't seen since he was twelve.
He is currently wanted for questioning by police in Wellington, which is hilarious, given he only just managed to skip out on being nicked by the Met.
List of international appearances
| No. |
Date |
Venue |
Opponent |
Score |
Result |
Competition |
| 1 |
23 November |
Twickenham Stadium, London, England |
England |
27–29 |
27–29 |
Autumn Nations Series |
Honours
Guilty, your honour